although i don't regularly watch any television show, really, i am tempted to begin tuning into xena: warrior princess.
flipped on it and discovered this fellow. he kinda reminds me of sturtle, but with more of a rugby player build.
speaking of team impact sports, this is from my hometown newspaper, where my father is sports editor. he always sends me the fall high school preview special section so i can comment on the design. the coup de grace is that they're from the small high school i went to. unfortunately, the football players when i was there weren't quite so fine.
gym diary, month 6.
(i realized that last saturday was the beginning of the 6th month i've been going to the gym. yawn.)
i had a wonderful arms workout, lots of energy, completely undistracted. i spent my down time watching this very fine fellow who is muscular, juicy, and so well-put-together i assume he's a model or something. also, he carries himself like he's jaded. equals annoying. but i caught him looking at me intently in the mirror while he was doing squats, something that's not easy to do, and it got my attention a little. we didnt overlap in the locker room, so yet again, no action for minx! foreshadowing.
on the train home, i was feeling good. energized yet a bit peaked from the workout, and carrying loads of stuff from my office, i sat wearily on the train, looking at the beautifully aged leather on my field boots (seasons have changed) peek out from the flare at the bottom of my engineered levi's. i was sweating, like i always do after i work out and put a sweater on. at 34th street, this tallish fellow, 5'10, gets on with lots of shopping bags. he gets on at the end and takes one of those small two-person seats down there. i was in the middle of the train. he's in workout clothes, tank and shorts, is extremely muscular, 195-205 pounds, and in his mid-40s, with a tattoo on his left shoulder. my one thought: hel-looo.
he had dark, smallish eyes, and the salt-and-pepper hair on his ample chest was peeking out over the neckline of his tanktop. i'd seen him before, once or twice, but i didnt notice it right away. i still can't place where i'd seen his face before: the cock, fc29, the gym, the street, the train (my best guess). after a few seconds, our glances met, and we looked at each other quietly, and didnt break. his stare was soft, anonymous, libidinous, perfect. 42nd. glance again, go more. he moves his messenger bag from his crotch to the seat next to him, spreads his legs a little, slouches, and looks back. he has the same erection i do, except he can't see mine.
59th, my stop. he doesnt get up. i want to take the next stop, but this is the A train: the next stop is 125th street, a long way from where i live. and for all i know he lives in inwood. i get up, hoping he follows, and look at him intently as i walk through the doors. he looks back. as i pass the door he's sitting next to, he looks intently and gives me a small wave, in the form of (his hand on the pole) lifting his fingers. as he does this, he raises his eyebrows and slightly smirks in a way that was so gentle, so tired, so carnal, i immediately regretted not letting him fuck me into thursday.
i wrote this in pre-blog 1998: "you can feel your insides in this kind of weather: the heat is trapped at the limits of your cuffs, your collar. it's the slight opposition to--and temporary success over--the elements that makes me feel virile, strong." it was about fall, how the weather had changed from warm to cool on that day, the one day that you know that the seasons have changed, how you wear a coat and need it. about how the need for a coat helps you distinguish not only your body from the surrounding temperature (something difficult to do in the mid-70 degree range), but allows you to distinguish your inner self from your body.
it's this special day, which happens once a year, unexpectedly, that always sends me on an autumnal elan that lasts well into early december, simply because it reminds me that the self can contemplate its body, passionately, and control it; that emotions are real and believable factors in your life; that others are formed by the same characteristics, in ways despicable and wonderful, and yet decipherable, a little.
for example, i was just putting my stuff in the locker when another guy started unlocking the locker next to me. turning around to give him a little room, i see number 3 was standing about five feet away, staring at me. it kind of surprised me: no one really hovers like that. so i smiled and said hi. he said hi back, very nervously, but didnt really respond much. i just kept unpacking, and looking at him, and he me. in a few seconds, he walked around the bench and started talking to the guy next to me, who he apparently was waiting for something from. he spoke in a very nervous, almost stuttered voice. he may have been worried about something. anyway, mystery solved. and i realized that even if he has some interest in yours truly, i'll probably never find out about it at the gym. here's to hoping we meet at a party or something.
some of the others were there, but i'm really going to quit referring to the list. i'm kind of over the whole thing, as the day would suggest. i'm not over the possibility of actually meeting some of them, of course, and possibly just hooking up, but the act of looking without actually meeting them is being left behind. except #1, he's FINE.
i wore my "kate spade boat cruise '99" tshirt, with the sleeves cut off. the last time i wore it i hooked up with the two cuties, one of which i'm still very into. cue slight sigh, but the feeling passed very momentarily. i was on a chest machine doing lateral flyes when i thought about it, and couldnt stop what i was doing to fuss.
i'm listening to my babies belle and sebastian. "and the moment will come when composure returns, put a face on the world, turn your back to the wall".
another thread in this day of the fall was that three of the projects i've been killing myself on (or more accurately, have only begun to kill myself on), will be wrapping up soon. but they all are promising. first, the church with mike is looking amazing; given enough time and energy, it'll be something in print. second, i drew up the installation with the artist this morning, and it sent shivers down my spine: my first non-office built project. hopefully we can keep the rain out. third, the competition for a museum for new media/digital art (coincidentally across the street from the gallery installation) is looking good too. the point of all this isnt to bore you with my work load, but to point out that the occupation of things important and wonderful for my career have me excited about the rest of my life. this is going to be a wonderful minx-fall.
in light of recent messages from regular readers, or people who have been reading since may (aka the beginning), i have been made to believe that there are quite a few of you who are articulate, creative, and witty, who have been reading for a long time without writing.
apparently, my diary gives the impression that i've got so much to do that i can't read/write back. despite my obligations, i make time to write because i enjoy it, and i'd give myself top marks as a correspondant. also, it may seem that i'm so incredibly popular that i'd have no interest hearing from a stranger. simply untrue: although life is good when it comes to friends and stuff to do, i love to chat with strangers. hence my love of my job, bars, and the subway.
so if you are so inclined, or if you've been reading for over 5 consecutive weeks now, please feel free to drop me a line. if you have your own website, the cutoff is three consecutive days. i'd love to hear from you.
i spent a little time reading old blog entries, despite the fact that i've got a ton of work to do here at home while i'm doing my laundry. a few amazing projects have been coming my way, and i anticipate october deadlines wreaking havoc with my blog schedule.
reading: i do this occasionally (he lied). i re-read everything i write, including any email over 10 sentences long, several times, and the blog entries are no different.
first because it's a useful way to trace my life. i mean, i couldnt remember if i'd met A in june, july, or august. the sequence of blogs, being able to read them in rapid succession, gives me a good impression of how the cycles of my thinking are structured. i'm currently fascinated by how i seem to be having less sex entries and more entries devoted to other stuff. i'm certain that'll change once i actually start having more sex.
second because when i read something that happened several weeks ago, i base it on the impression i have of how long ago it happened, and how i feel about that event now. i compare how i felt to how i feel, fabricated memory to real memory (and back again).
third because i'm a young writer, and i'm constantly looking for what's good and what's not, especially in the semi-transparent-life format of this blog. i am hesitant at times to write things because they seem too topical. like linking to something other bloggers said in a one-line entry, and responding as if it were a conversation that was broadcast: a few weeks later, when the link is lost, who really cares? i also try not to repeat myself, but i figure if there's cinematic effect (repetition as a way to emphasize themes), then it'll look like i'm not boring or crazy or forgetful.
fourth because the blogs i put in my "read every day" favorites folder haven't been as active as i'd like them to be. except jonno's latest entry, of today, which is the delightfully fantastic stuff that makes him one of the fiends/friends i also worship.
wilco played at bowery ballroom tonight. they are my longest favorite group. although they have played in the city several times since i moved here (which coincidentally is about the time they were formed), i haven't seen jeff tweedy on stage since december 10, 1993, when he was part of uncle tupelo. oh, and uncle tupelo played my college parties and at cicero's near my college apartment in saint louis before their albums came out.
the show was wonderful, and fun, and had an appropriately goofy edge. the set was more of a collage of musical styles and ideas than any kind of rock-brand-placement i've come to expect of even artists who are respectable: you know, you've done something people appreciate, and now you want to maintain that without looking like you're maintaining it, or like you're doing the same thing over again. instead, they opened with about 10 numbers from the "mermaid avenue" series of collaborations with billy bragg (lyrics by woodie guthrie, to which he never wrote music), giving a rock edge to all the songs, undercutting the softness on the albums. then they travelled freely through their last two albums. it was all stitched together with an almost psychadelic tapestry of noise, smooth, loud, punk, even between banjo-sets.
the final number before the break was misunderstood, from "being there". the song, like many from the album, revolves around the problems of creating popular music, especially rock. like many of their numbers, this one always make me cry, because they resonate inside out with the focus of someone who is from the midwest, who grew up believing in the reality and muteness and selfdiscovery and straightforwardness of things, only to have their artistic maturity reveal that things in media and life are not real, and oscillate between being constructed, artificial, unauthentic, or flat. the result being a suspiciousness, and sometimes apathetic response to the world, to artistic production, to performance.
Short on long term goals
There's a party there that we oughtta go to
Do you still love rock and roll?
Do you still love rock and roll?
the song is itself a sonic journey, travelling through acoustic segments, feedback segments, piano segments, and a build that ends with tweedy screaming into the mike "i'd like to thank you all, for nothin'", which he did tonight much longer than he does on the album, repeating 'nothin' at least twenty times, over the noise, screaming his sweet, midwestern voice, contorting his boyishly angelic face. the noise was wonderful too, layers of simply wild noise, not the carefully produced stuff on the recording. my friend mike turned to me when it was over and said "that was sweet". it was, but i wondered if he was yelling at us, not for us. they might have yelled longer.
when i saw tupelo in 93, they played something like 10-15 covers at the end of their show, for almost an hour, stuff like zepplin or the doors or the who. tonight, the ending number drifted between casino queen, into 'hot blooded', into hoodoo-voodoo (guthrie), into opening chords for a song by the who, into another song of theirs. they were having fun, but they were making a point, fully aware of its implications, but poetic nonetheless: you already know the story, and the chords are just the same.
old pictures, from my office's boat cruise in the new york harbor [to the tune of a swinging blues-back-beat song after woody guthrie]:
if i don' see sum mo' pics
from vhold o' jo-on-o
i'ma gonna forget
whatiya was sufin' fo'
friday, the bald guy to the right of the mast saw my new facial hair, and called me 'wolverine' (i wanted to tell him i'm "minx", but the thought of being seen as a cutely fierce version of hugh jackman was enough to stay the tongue). later on, he yelled out "wolverine's power is color coordination!". he also pointed to this one and said "hey big daddy..." it was a slow day friday; we don't usually stand around looking at panoramics taken by an office mate.
it just occured to me that some of you may not actually know what i look like. since i'm in the center of all these pics, it's probably going to be pretty easy to piece it together. in fact, it's probably exceedingly obvious at this point to point out that many of the pictures here at littleminx.com are of me, hidden.
or, as my buddy Lapo put it last night at a party (he was the acquaintance i bumped into prior to leaving the bar with the two cuties on september 4th), to my friend matthew: "vanity kills. his vanity is killing us." [cue laughter].
today was one of those days where something lurks in the back of my head, and i'm blindly addled. i don't notice that i'm snippy, paranoid, short-tempered, and sharp-tongued until it's too late, i've gone too far, and i wonder what the fuck was wrong with me.
on days like this, i feel as if everyday events actually interrupt my serendipity. i'm irritated by the foibles of one of the persons i work for (whose eccentricities i learned to appreciate and work with years ago), i patronize my other employer (who knows i know better, because he knows more), and i have a fit when things don't go my way. every phone call is an irritant, even though in reality the work i'm doing shouldnt really occupy all of my time.
i'm unable to accidentally discover beauty or wonder in my daily routine because i'm secretly trying to steer that serendipity, control it. there's something behind all of my thoughts, something i'm so trying to get at that i cannot even recognize it, because i'm trying so hard at being annoyed, bored, angry.
as kim deal sings:
From the valley of the missing
High lonesome, no pity boy
Bragging party just beginning
All the tales, mythic noise
the gym helped some, week 24.
i saw several of the cuties today, an event which captures some of my attention. i've also decided to continue adding to the hotties list, because some guys are kind keep drawing my eye. in tune with my recent entries implying that i'm letting go of some previous gym habits, habits of looking, i'm actually becoming much bolder, but only when the moment, mood, my taste, desires it. i'm slowly becoming aware of how to see men in the context of how i actually feel, and act upon what i actually want at the moment, not looking or acting in the context of my fantasy about them. yes, i'm becoming aware of having fallen into a looking-trap habit i was worried would happen to me when i started this whole thing. worse yet, substituting that fantasy for emotional content outside of the gym. addled minx.
Say you're one man's date
Want one, fall and break
#3 was just finishing up at 6:15 when i got there (i've overlapped with his final minutes several times this week). we exchanged glances while i stretched out. #6 and #9 were working out at usual. i'm totally over these two, so next time i update the hotties list, they're going to get dropped. i passed #4 several times, and said an audible "hi there", as i did when i saw him on monday. troy's guilt trip for being so shy worked. and i'm pretty resistant to guilt trips. just ask my employers. i smiled and said hi to him several times. that's all i wanted with him today. he's delicious, and i'm mildly amused by the way he prances around the gym. he doesnt seem to know anybody there. is he new in town?
the guy i mentioned on august 18th, the younger in a couple who look like two leather daddies, who always work out together, who were there today, was doing an incline bench press that at my angle had me hard in seconds. he looked at me after finishing, and kind of smirked. he's been trying to get my attention for several months now. he shaved the 'stache, so his 6', 195 pounds wasnt so intimidating. he got naked for me in the locker room: showed it off to me as he was leaving the shower, when he was putting his briefs on, etc.
a hunky but slightly eighth-avenue-looking asian fellow was alone with me in the steam room. he kept looking at me, then looking at my crotch. i think he wanted to go down on me, but i wasnt in the mood. my head was clearing, and i could feel the something working its way out.
when #6 came down to the locker room, as i was leaving, he said "hi there" to someone in a row i was just passing. i looked, and it was #1, looking fierce with his shirt off. i've been shaving my facial hair in a cutely fierce way that mimics his, and my buddy carl (the guy who reminds me of this guy) complimented me on it today. (i've bumped into carl in the strangest places lately, and he knows all my friends. he's also exceptionally witty, strangely flirty without being shallow, and a really sexy guy. i kissed him at a party on saturday, but i mistook his hand on my ass and back for a come-on; he was only saying goodbye. if it had been you, you'd have kissed his neck too. he'd be on the cuties list, but no one i've met is allowed on there). #1 looked back, i smiled.
waiting at the west 4 street platform, i realized that i'm beginning to have a group of people who are acquaintances, valuable because my relationship with them all is somewhat distant, but they all very much like me. these relationships are very valuable things to have in life, because they lead to other relationships, and must be protected at all costs. calmed, tired, on the train, the something emerged from its murky hiding place and i could see it, call it by its name, and write it down. an intimate relationship doesnt begin when two people meet. it begins when things happen between you, after time, or the city, starts to put you together right.
i spent a rare evening watching television last night. on the superstation: back-to-back broadcast of the american president, a film i seem to be able to watch in its entirety no matter how many times i see it. first, because i adore annette benning. second, i'm so resistant to love stories that when i get one i like, i am hooked. third, there are several good monologues in the movies, one being michael j. fox's dressing down of the president in the oval office, another being the energizing challenge michael douglas makes at the press conference at the end regarding character and patriotism, which seems to make me cry. if only our politicians were so fabulously gifted speakers. i hear this is one of president clinton's favorite films.
on nbc: speed. the part where keanu is under the bus, then has to hold on, then has to pull himself up through the floor of the bus with only his arms. nice arms.
on cbs, the emmys. i detest awards programs a little less than their pre-show self-promoting interviews, but i happened to be channel flipping when i saw megan mullaly get nominated for best supporting actress in a comedy series for will and grace. she won seconds later, and i jumped out of my chair. i am simply floored by her brilliant comedic powers on that show. her and sean hayes, who i also find gifted. i love the show in general, because it actually induces laughter, and i'm happy that it won best comedy series.
the show gets a beating from lots of people. the writers at the village voice routinely criticize the show for being too timid in its portrayal of gay men. it's true, the lead character doesnt seem to ever get any on screen, and it's a valid criticism, although i'm not sure the alternative of sucking-face more often is the logical way to go about it. however, the episode about the fictional gay tv show the characters watch and the network's cop-out on its "first gay kiss on television" was kind of a brilliant comment on will and grace's situation, with will unexpectedly grabbing jack and deep-throating him in front of a camera (and a dramatic surprise too, how post-modern), despite the fact that the kiss wasn't romantic. or especially, depending on how you like your pomo seasoned. it doesnt bother me like it does critics that the show happens to be about a guy who most of the time doesnt get any, and has no lasting romantic entanglements. duh.
the show's also criticized for being racist, with megan mullally's character being the one who delivers most of the scathing jokes toward her maid, rosario (the very funny shelly morrison, on stage at the emmys by the way). this is an even less valid criticism of the show, because the comedic value of the jokes lie in a drunk socialite's ignorance of other people, individually or culturally, and not in any particular group's stereotypes. besides, rosario is the only one who can tell karen "i thought we talked about this dress".
also besides, the show is really, really FUNNY, with brilliant performances and writing on a regular basis. as a creative person, i find it mildly disingenuous in general for critics to criticize something for not doing something you're not trying to do in the first place. write your own funny show. missed opportunities, however, are a different matter, and i'm secretly awaiting will having a hunky boyfriend soon.
again: my mother and i watch the show together. she routinely emails me regarding the previous night's episode. living in rural ohio, where there are few homos at all, she finds it a way to relate to my own catty sense of humor. it's also very urban humor, and depicts people making funny remarks about gayness, social status, etc.
gym diary week 23, last day:
i spent all week recovering from the nasty head cold that laid me up wednesday morning. i could only feel things really clearing up this afternoon. late afternoon fever thoughts: should i go to the gym? this was the first time i was sick since the first week i started going to the gym. no surprise at not caring whether i was losing time by taking a break from working out: the body speaks, minx listens. but around 5ish, my fever left, and i felt almost-normal again. i felt sober, too: after being knocked delerious by filled sinuses, i could actually think, and felt like i was on a very even keel. feeling like i was on an even keel meaning, of course, that i had to have felt not-even-keel before, before the cold, and i guess mild ennui has gotten the better of me at times. you're the person who has witnessed it most, i'm sure.
a patient mood settling, i decided to do a very, very light workout, get lots of steam, and go home.
on the way there, through soho, i thought about the fellows i met sunday/monday (as i was passing the place they worked at), and several of the wonderful people i've met in the last month or two, and how i'm around and they're around, and fall is settling in (weather and all), and how i love that, and how things will work out, given patience. i thought about several of my friends, like jonno and richard, and sah, and troy. and especially mike, with whom i'm making a wonderful church out of paper, and incrementally building a creative relationship that could make many, many more things. we started putting the space together, something designed not as finely crafted space, but as edges first, and watched it become an amazing space anyway.
# 8 was in the locker room putting on a new shirt after our workout. his locker was next to mine. he kinda looked at me, but turned around, removed his workout shirt, and put his new shirt on. he stood up: he's about 6-8 inches taller than me, and his skin has a lot of birthmarks, dark spots, and a few pimples, which keeps his amazing musculature from looking unreal, model-like. he's wonderful to look at, but standing next to him, i honestly didnt feel a thing.
jeff posted the tiny polaroid pics he took at my birthday party. rock out!
last night an experience that fits, finally, in the groove i needed set in, as i said in a recent correspondance, less meaning, more living, leaving sense behind.
i went to the cock last night, first time since jonno was here. the party after wigstock supposed to be wonderful (sunday night sleaze). i bumped into A, the guy from july 10th, without his new boyfriend. we spoke about how amusing the whole event at barney's had been (july 23), shaking hands and grabbing boyfriend's waist another example of something that can only be taken as a message, but nothing else, and i quoted him the phrase "funny, i'd had my dick up his ass only two weeks earlier", which he found very funny too. A introduced me to two guys who'd been looking my way, but hadnt yet gotten to me. they were both about my build, very gorgeous all, nice bodies, intelligent, horny.
both work for a fashion designer in soho, and there was a lot to talk about. we all went to the bathroom. we all did some stuff i probably shouldnt record, mostly because i don't do that stuff hardly ever. i got chatty and close with the one i thought cuter at first, who was fashionably dressed but with a sense of humor (like my "kate spade boat cruise '99" cutoff tshirt). i was about to say a phrase i find pedestrian when said to me ("you are really beautiful"), and i just kissed him on the cheek, near the ear instead. we gently kissed for a while, although my arms were around both of them. after a while, we invited the other one in. the two were friends, and had fooled around, but were currently just hangin out. the other one looked like johnny galecki but even cuter, started kissing me very earnestly, and we did this for some time. two hours cruise control. near the end of this, i saw an old acquaintance, who had been reading my blog without emailing me (if i had a dollar for every time...), and i informed him of blog event in progress.
the three of us went to the first guy's place. we talked some, mostly about photography, and his latest pictures (he's a photographer too), and we listened to mixes of fleetwood mac and led zepplin. we did wonderful threesome stuff that lasted for hours. it was my first time at more-than-one (when the first-time experience disappears from this blog, i'll quit writing), but felt comfortable with both of them, doing things all together, taking breaks between. for instance, when one of us would go to the bathroom, the others would go at it. for instance, once when i came back, the first one was on top the second one. i put my face in his ass, my new beard tickling, and tasted the finest guy taste ever.
at 630, our host had to go walk some dogs. because it's new york, that's how these things go. we all took cabs home, exhausted. it was early morning, fully lit but cloudy, but somewhat dim, the light everywhere but soft, the city absolutely silent on this holiday morning, cabs not even honking. the clear overcastness of the atmosphere made the city seem alien. or more precisely, it was as if i had risen early to travel, leaving/left new york for the airport, body carried by a plan made long ago, being between places but heading out.
gym diary week 22, continued:
mr. #3 was at the gym today. he slid through the weight room and went directly to the cardio room, and did about 45 minutes of stair-stepping thing. aside from the treadmill, which i occasionally tread on (it makes me feel like the bionic man), the machines in the cardio room look a little gerbil-playground-like. i mean, that stair thing cannot be natural.
at any rate, i mildly extended my workout, arms/legs day, and i indulged in the arms a bit. i've not been working on them a lot lately, concentrating on legs, but today i treated myself. during, i bumped into someone i met a few weeks ago, who reminds me of a certain porn star, the fellow being extremely flirty (bad way), but always pleasant and chatty.
as i was working on my back, #3 was on an abs machine. i would lift my torso up, and see him, just as he was coming up from the stroke. our ups in sync, we'd glance at each other, because we were facing each other. the symmetry of this experience always thrills me.
he looked at me several times while we were in the abs/stretchout area, always somewhat shyly. he went down to the locker room, and a few beats later, i did too. we overlapped in the steam room for a few minutes. he has an enormous penis, and looks even more adorable, almost stunning, without his nerdy glasses. he left before i could say hey-hey, and so i followed him. i passed by him at an intersection near tower records, as if i was going there. i was on the phone to my baby jonno's friend (and my new friend) kerry, who immediately identified what i was doing when i said "i'm just leaving the gym and kinda walking around". kerry's been reading my blog, as he could instantly access several picking-guys-up-on-the-street incidents with no problem.
follow: #3 followed me by taking a turn i didnt think he was going to take (i almost got hit by a car when i realized he was behind me, not on the opposite block, cuz i'd crossed while green and on the phone). i paused at tower to give the impression--surely taken as me trying to leave an impression, but never something noticable if i was doing it for real--that i was about to go in after i finish the call. very elegant. i turned around as he went by, kinda looking out the corner of his eye, like at the gym, but not looking over. i was still talking to kerry, but i was drawn to him, so i kept following.
with kerry, i deliberated as to whether i should approach him now or not. kerry was all for yes, but i didnt want to weird the guy out. also, the fact that i'll see him at the gym, maybe tomorrow, means that a more perfect opportunity likely awaits me, one unlike the awkward position i could be in if he wasnt into me following him. kerry could relate, and said "i lose all confidence when i meet someone i like", despite the fact that he's so fierce that some of my friends have secret crushes on him. the confidence thing is something i've experienced in recent weeks, with the guy i met who i really liked, and kerry articulated it perfectly. it also reminded me of the big lesson i learned from recent events: slow down, be patient, work in many episodes instead of one. i decided that me seeing his dick in the steam room, us trading eyes, him gently noticing that i had followed him, revealed myself, but then discreetly fell into the background, that this was all enough for today. if he wants more, he'll get more next time. don't eat more than one meal at a time (written while eating delivered thai food).
i still followed him to his home, some distance from the gym, on 2nd avenue at 11th street. but like vitto acconci's following series, i turned the corner when i saw him cross into a private threshold.
ps all work in this domain is copyright chad the minx.