week 5
05.02.00

i've completely lost track of the days.  like a child, the age is measured in 
larger units the longer it elapses.

the gap in entries is significant.  beyond the fact that my other forms of 
creative exploration have been of increasing distraction, that my day job has 
been very stressful, i'm studying for a liscencing exam, and my emotional life 
has been a little troublesome of late, there have been a lot of issues playing 
out around the gym.  i've actually begun to use the place as a sanctuary; no 
stress allowed here.  this means i've been looking a little less than usual at 
other people, concentrating on myself.  but the other issues playing out are 
related to my body, and this is actually addling me more.

other issues include, but are not limited to: how much is too much; where do i 
go from here; how do i get more out of this; am i trying to be more butch by 
doing this; is there anything wrong with trying to be more butch; does anyone 
notice; when will i get laid?  and these tend to cross pollinate, as all my 
ideas do, so to adequately describe their shifting relationships i'd have to 
make a grid matrix, or model them like an ethanol molecule, or like stars and 
constellations , and show them all connecting, yet moving, slowly/quickly.

the last issue has loomed large lately.  i've not wanted to look for sex, but 
have wanted it very badly.  it's a seasonal funk, when i'm finishing up a big 
project, and have pushed a little too hard on people, and mildly hate my social 
life, and need a vacation.  

but as far as physical culture goes, i'm progressing.  i'm finding a workout 
routine, slowly, and i like it.  i love feeling stronger, and looking better.  
but i have yet to get used to seeing myself in the mirror, naked.  i always 
forget what i look like anyway, but there are times i'll be slouched, thinking 
low thoughts about myself, then look in the mirror and say 'hey, i'm kinda 
really good looking'. 

tonight, everybody was there.  lately, i've coincided with no one, not even 
troy.  my number one was there, and the number one contender, too.  when they 
started talking to one another, i felt a mild pang of jealousy. in fact, they 
both knew a lot of people, and i heard contender's name (brendan), and where 
he's spending the weekend.  troy was there tonight, by surprise, and i told him 
that the contender was here, in a red tank top.  as we strolled down the gym 
floor, he didnt see him (he was hidden from troy's view by a column).  troy 
says, too loudly, "i dont seen any guy in a red tank top" just as we pass him, 
and he looks up.  i said, to be heard, "smooth, troy".  minx on a barbecue. troy 
knows about contender: he's a model in the gay world (cover of HX, etc), is in 
fashion (who isnt?), and works part time at this or that store.  this 
information gave me the "there is no santa claus" feeling, and combined with 
news of his fire island plans, the glamor of his physical prescense was made 
somewhat pedestrian.   

number one was looking incredible, doing arm work at usual.   i could watch him 
all day.  but i could barely make eyes with him tonight, even though he was 
there looking at me.  i might beat off about him later.

there was this funny guy in a ball cap, who looks like he's 22, but kinda built, 
who was really staring at me.  he's there a lot, and he is always dressed like 
he's at a mall: grey tank, skater shorts, skater kap, and a ball chain around 
his neck.  but he's got nice arms, something i like (duh), and i'll remember to 
cruize him next time i see him.  i'm completely not in the mood; very stressful 
day at work, and i didnt really even talk to troy much.

steam uneventful.  i've only really played around in there once since my last 
entry, and the guy was very hard, but much to scared looking to even return my 
glance.

saw troy in the locker room.  mistook another locker for my own; this happens 
frequently.  everyone under the sun has a black master combination lock, and 
when i get out of the steam room, i'm so brain dead relaxed i can't remember 
which row i'm in.  the only time i know is when there's no lock like my own on 
the locker position i used, which, as implied, doesnt happen often enough to 
avoid embarassing mistakes.

walking home, i kept looking up, looking at people.  making lots of eyes, and 
wishing that they had my keys.  why cant the beautiful men live in my building, 
so i could see them during a casual moment (not in that vexing moment on the 
street where you both have opposite places to go) but opening their mailbox, and 
asking them quietly if they've lived here long, where did they get that bag, and 
is your apartment like mine.  looking in my building.  perhaps every building 
has a cutie like me, like my other friends, and each one is looking for a love 
every time they touch their building key, like when we look up at the sky 
wondering if there will ever be a time we can know if people live there, too.



05.04.00

troy says brendan's name is frank.

my number two cutie is the guy in the baseball cap from last time.  he didnt 
have the cap on today.  he's gorgeous.  and has nice arms, and was totally 
cruizing me today.  we both slyly looked at each other at a moment when we both 
thought we werent going to be seen.  that moment of realization is so disarming.  
i waited for the machine he was on, cuz i actually wanted it, and i wanted to 
watch him use it (abs).  he has a really beautiful back, too, and i just sort of 
sat behind him, quietly watching him.  then something happend that hasnt 
happened up on the floor before.  i got hard watching him, and i let it happen.  
i had to walk away for a while.  when i came back, he was done, and he wiped the 
seat and back off really slowly, looking at me.  i thanked him and commenced my 
ab workout.  he sat next to me on the back machine and proceeded to use it, his 
motion and mine causing our gazes to overlap.  derrida, delueze, and all their 
kids aint never thought of anything like it.

he got distracted by another for a while by this guy lying on the stretch-out 
mat who was lounging, staring at him.  his attention was divided, and i got 
bored.  we were just overlapping, so i had to go before he was ready to leave.  
because i see him here all the time, i decided to leave and talk to him later...

troy and i steamed together, and frank walked into a shower, nude.  extremely 
beautiful body.  he comes out, prancing, dries off for us to see, and i'm 
completely focused on him.  he's very spectacular.

troy tells me he has a pic of frank and number one together from HX.  troy lost 
the caption, and doesnt remember number one's name.


week 6
05.06.00

i've weighed 1-2 lbs heavier all week.  and i'm much stronger.  this is fun.

the steam room adventure from week 4 with the guy who wouldnt return my gaze was 
in the steam room today.  no one else there.  as usual, he always looks at me, 
but never returns my gaze.  he's on the sly, perhaps closeted.  god his body is 
nice, and he's into me looking.  he goes into the shower, after i do.  i go back 
into the steam room, in the corner, so cutie can't see me when he comes out of 
his shower.  he dries, and starts to go to the lockers (cuz he cant see anyone 
in the steam room), but as he does, he spots me, and turns around and goes into 
the steam room again.  my expectations rise.  but when he sits down, he 
absolutely refuses to look at me.  i even said 'hi' when he came in, but he 
didnt say anything. after some time of trying to be less intimidating (this is a 
guy who is like 50 lbs heavier than me), smiling, etc, i get a little tired of 
him not returning.  frustrated, i shower, watch him dress, and leave.


05.08.00 monday

mondays are difficult.  today was very so; i had no energy.  it must be that i 
didnt eat very well sunday.  it was very crowded, with lots of beautiful men.  
including all the above.  but i did my thing and left.  no use lingering when 
you're not being productive.  trying to stave off mild melancholy here isnt 
working like usual.


05.10.00 wednesday

met troy at the gym.  showed him #2.  tells me he's met #2, that he's 1. an 
actor (two strikes right there) and 2. got a boyfriend of like 6 years.  he 
tells me his first name, and two big films he's been in (one is erin bronovich).  
troy says the guy looks at everybody, probably thinks i'm returning because i 
recognize him.  it's not true, cuz true to form, i've never seen the important 
films he's been in.  it's all NOT TRUE.  i get momentarily irritated at troy for 
being the guy who breaks bad news to me all the time, despite the charm and 
butchie frisson i get from my innocent crushes.  my knowledge of these people 
might cause my interaction with them to go in a direction that they would have 
if i hadnt had preconceptions.  this has happened before.

case in point: last weekend i went to bed with a friend of a friend of troy's, a 
trainer, who usually is a major flake, and i've been warned about this.  but 
he's being oddly attentive and considerate with me.  so i resolve to put what i 
know in a box in my head when i'm interacting with these people.  i'll get the 
info as events warrant.

i see #2 from the steam room, getting dressed.  he sees me, and keeps a fixed 
eye on me while he dresses (the locker facing the steam room in such a manner.  
will i ever be good enough to design such circumstance?).  he doesnt even 
shower: clothes, eyes, then leaves.  strange.

i have calluses on my hands.  

when i used to fence, i had weird calluses on my feet.  weird cuz they were 
different on each foot; if you've ever seen a fencer's stance, you'll get it.  
those calluses are gone, and the new ones on my hands are symmetrical.  i'd buy 
gloves, but i like my hands like this.


week 7
05.13.00

they fixed the steam room, finally.  now there's a constant steam, so it's a 
little easier to view people without gawking.

the gym was especially dead today.  duh, it's beautiful outside.

later, after a lot of shopping, i see my number one working at a clothing store 
on 8th ave in chelsea.  funny, it's sunny outside, but my parade is still 
getting rained on!  well, i don't really care if he's a big ole club queen or 
number one contender is an h/x cover queen, or #2 is a head-case actor who 
thinks people like him cuz he's young and talented and in films (hello, that's 
me, but i'm an architect.  do you recognize me?).  none of it matters.  they 
have beautiful bodies, and have some character.  i'd do them all.

i keep buying new clothes.  nothing too loose fitting, yes because i want to 
show it off.  more summer clothes.  i have no less than four swimsuits already, 
for my 16 day vacation.


05.16.00

my friend henning was in from munich via los angeles (dont ask) and has been 
reading this, and has been dying to visit my gym.  as he tells it, his gym is 
boring in ways mine isnt.  already, i can feel this weird circular reference 
thing happening, or is it self reference thing, because henning read what i've 
written, will experience, then be part of what i've written, and i know he'll 
read that, too.  god i had trouble reading postmodern theory, too (well, the 
stuff by architects, that is).

anyway, i meet henning at the gym.  with internet acquaintances, of which there 
are many reading here (see above paragraph), i need to get used to having them 
in person, and the real-time relationship not being able to compose my reacting 
(a filthy habit).  so having henning meet me at ground zero already throws me 
for a loop.  h gives them his i.d. card so he can use a guest pass of mine, then 
we change, chat, and go upstairs.  h hates to stretch, so he watches me.  this 
makes me very uncomfortable, of course, because i hate being watched.  (as i 
observed of jonno, i of myself as well: i like being seen, not watched).  h has 
his normal look of adulation, and i'm a little embarrased, because he's 
complimenting me on how i look, that i've progressed, etc, and i'm not used to 
people saying these things.  well, in public, anyway.  h also has his usual 
ability to do his own thang in public, not giving a damn about what people 
around him think (a wonderful habit), so there's a little clashing of intent.

as we begin working out, henning literally hangs over the machine while i do 
chest press.  it's kind of sexy, but totally interfering with my ability to 1. 
cruize and 2. concentrate on the exercize.  h is also getting a little hard 
watching me.  it's not hard to see that at this angle. while doing this, troy 
comes up to h and says hi.  they met at my last party, and start chatting.  i 
brush him off and we kind of separate to do our own thing.

number 2 is there, of course, and at some point i point him out to h.  he says 
'he could be your brother' and i take that as a compliment.  i love my real 
brother, but he's not as fun as number 2, and there's no incest thing to worry 
about.  anyway, i am in avoidance for some reason (probably because i havent 
seen no. 2 since troy gave me the scoop), and i'm not really into his semi-
eyeing.  but i have no choice, he's doing seated triceps next to the only free 
preacher curl machine, so i go over and sit down.  i totally avoid looking at 
him, which must be obvious, cuz the machines are paired and have their own 
devoted mirror.  anyone with an ounce of aesthetic sense would compose the two 
figures in it together, and anyone artistic would have them looking at each 
other, in the mirror.  i look at myself, and troy comes over and very loudly 
says "chad, you've gotten bigger!", and starts talking about how good my back 
and shoulders look, etc.  i get kind of red, but no 2 notices, cuz he looks, and 
troy later tells me he did it cuz he wanted that to happen.  i finish up and get 
outta there.  troy offers to introduce me to number 2, because theyve met, but i 
defer to later. 

thinking about it now, i dont know what my fuckin problem is.  i deferred about 
going to the gym, too, and here i am feeling the best i ever have about myself.

after i leave, henning chats up number 2, asking him how to do this or that 
exercize (like he doesnt know).  henning has a wonderful ability to ask anyone 
almost anything in that sweet, jumpy voice of his, and make it sound innocuous.  
after you're hooked by the innocence of the request, you're hit by the 
loveliness of the asker, and the attraction begins.  i'm not sure number 2 was 
attracted, but it was amusing to see fearless h talking to this guy just because 
he knows i have a mild crush on him.  next time, i fuckin promise, i'll speak to 
the man.


05.18.00

In a sleepy west
of a woody east
is a valley full
fulla pioneers
we're not just kids
to say the least

I've begun to criticize people in my head for body characteristics.  It's a 
natural outgrowth of my critical capacity in general, and my new way of seeing 
muscular men specifically. I used fetishize/idealize muscular men, tended toward 
fantasy with them.  Since i've been going to the gym, and developing myself, 
concentrating on myself, I've begun to see others with their workout in mind.  I 
can envision the exercises they do in my head, exactly what muscle group they 
worked, how strong they must be in this or that area, how often they work out.  
This analysis is better than the fantasy I had, because it's a more healthy for 
me, emotionally: i'm not making emotional attachments to my observations, only 
carnal ones.  I'm more specific about my desire, more honest about it's 
motivation. 

 But thoughts about people that creep in my head like "i think he needs to do 
more situps" really bothers me.  I guess i'm honest to myself about it, and 
because of that can work on it.

i can't believe i wrote that.  don't tell anyone.

i left work at 3 today and went to the gym.  hardly anyone there at all.  I took 
the opportunity to check myself out in the mirrors, with troy and henning's 
comments in my head (troy sent a very supportive email the other morning 
reiterating what he had said).  I'm getting used to looking good in or out of 
clothes.  my shirts fit tighter, and this arouses me.  i don't feel bigger, but 
the vacation will help me sort out what kind of attention i'm looking for.

what helps is knowing first that my body is MINE.  My gains belong to me.  those 
are my arms, my back, my shoulders, wash them well. I *did that*, and it's very 
satisfying.  second, that people have begun to notice.  no need for before and 
after pixx.

before and after (after warhol): 
the advantage to always meeting new people is that they essentially have no 
conception of you before they met you.  you have the opportunity to adjust 
yourself, be yourself now, be at ease with you now, and forget about the you 
before, especially the bad parts.  it's all leading up to you now anyway.  good 
friends also forget you before (bad parts especially) at the appropriate times 
(like meeting new people), and after all, it's their job to help you be you now, 
and sometimes reminding you not to be bad parts you before again.

a very nice trainer gave me some very helpful tips on this leg machine i was on 
today.  i was doing the exercise totally wrong.  it was a slow day; he jumped 
over to help.  when he touched my knees with his palm (to demonstrate that they 
shouldnt move when i do the exercise), they were trembling a little.  he was a 
muscular guy of asian descent, and very handsome.  he introduced himself as 
michael.

i was the only guy in the steam room today.  i got really hard and had to go to 
the shower to beat off.

i went on another tshirt/swimsuit buying binge.  mercifully, i ended up with 
only several new tshirts.  but here's how i did it.  i went to the shop where 
number one works, cuz i felt like talking to him.  he was flirting with this guy 
and i was the only real customer.  anyway, he helped me out a little, and when 
he was ringing me up, i asked him if he goes to world.  he looked surpised, and 
asked me when i go.  he usually goes at 1pm, and only about one evening a week.  
that's why i rarely see him.  he had an accent i couldnt place; spanish or 
italian perhaps.  when i said 'see ya' he winked.

the next few entries will be conducted from other gyms, computers and file 
transfers willing.  my buddy phil volunteered his and has already sent me the 
URL of the gym i'm to visit in austin.  i hope jonno and richard can help me out 
when i'm in new orleans; they did so well with the tattoo.

now here's the last five:
it's educational...