g. notebook day 0 03.25.00 saturday troy cashes in a raincheck i've given him many times and helps me get over several issues at once by just getting me to enter a gym establishment, world gym in the village. i didnt even know what to take (soap? towel? what size lock?). would people know i was new to this space, as in never, ever been to? would i look foolish, weak, unappealing, humorous, clean, small, unfashionably dressed? uh, none of that happenned, and it was immediately apparent in the locker room. got casually cruized just getting undressed. going up the stairs to the workout room (in troy's words: "feast your eyes"). and on the workout mat (oh, sorry, that was me to another guy). and whilst pumping a little iron. and again. also exercising that part of your eye and brain that allow you to do two things at once. did upper body workout with troy guiding. i ask a lot of questions, he obliges. i just kind of follow him around, too. what does that thing do? how do i work this part of me? how many of these things do i do? is there a word for that? no exercises are tedious, especially those designed to improve the parts of me i secretly despise the most. the realization of a means for altering the parts of my body i dislike unhinges something. in fact, i realize that now that i'm here, i could do this every day, conditions permitting. i'm inside of this space, in my head, and i can do what i want, and everyone thinks i already belong. i guess i have belonged for a while, i just had some problems believing it. troy and i also do what we do when we go to bars together: review and enjoy. this is fun, and i'm excited by the prospect of having another locale in which to review. more importantly, this is a big reason to go: an outlet for seeing sexy guys partially dressed, in public, but in a location that is only partially social. people enjoy being seen (review of their progress) but the seeing is semi-platonic: making eye contact feels natural, but isnt necessarily charged with specific sexual consequences. but the option is there. undressing in a locker room is an exceptional pleasure. hello, ass. hello, cock. hello shower with soap, shampoo, and conditioner. hello, steamroom. hello steamroom with flirtatious guy from the weightroom. hello daddy. troy's membership is almost ready to expire, so i ask if they'll give us a deal if i join. the attendant doesn't (acts like he does) and i negotiate. deep head-to-head with the contractors i deal with at work, over money matters, has given me new found skills at this sort of thing. what i have to offer, what i'm entitled to, what i'll work with him on. i get him to give me a couple of extra months, at a lower price, and a bunch of passes. credit card is swiped, and i get a membership number. as usual with me, no shopping around necessary, when what you want is in hand. besides, i wanna come back tomorrow, so i better join today. troy gets passes, but doesnt renew yet. self doubt about the swiftness of it all. let's see. one of my best friends goes here, some people from work, about half of the men i've tricked with (according to troy), and it's between work and home. it's a deal. i talk about it whilst we go shoe shopping. i belt out a last question: "so how long till i get buff?". troy laughs out loud at this. i vow to make a tshirt with this phrase. i ache for three days straight. ow. barely can stretch out. thank you troy. day 1 (aborted) 03.28.00 tuesday i get a 24 hour flu, complete with nausea and sore throat. can't go to gym. leave work early to sleep. troy chats with a friend from work at gym. day 1 03.29.00 wendesday flu waning, no weakness, soreness in muscles completely gone. leave work early for gym (6:30). i could leave at any time (it's open 24 hours during the week, duh), but too distracted by daydreaming about it: i have my gym shoes in my jack spade bag. how often does that happen? on my own. gym slightly crowded. do upper body (haven't learned the lower body machines yet). still intimidated by free weights, so i stick to machines. try some new stuff. feel mildly disoriented, and a little tired, but good after a while. light cruizing, cuz there's no other conceivable use of downtime between sets: both are worth 30 seconds. feel utterly relaxed by the end. will i ever stay at work past 7 again? it's wonderful to have something to do in the early evening that doesnt require me to talk intelligently to someone else. i'm notorious to anyone who stays with me on a visit for coming home from work and being unwilling to speak politely or even cogently until 8:30. love the shower. love the steam, which seems to help my sinuses. i steam a little more; smells a little minty in there, and waiting for a lovely i was eyeing upstairs to get out of the shower. oh shit, it's like the train thing i do, where i follow, or, more precisely, sequence my travel so that another travels around with me. i'm on a bench, like i was upstairs, like i will be later on the train. got idea to create gym notebook. love walking around with nothing but a towel on in the locker room. that tattoo looks a little fierce. i feel a little sorry when i have to put my shirt on...i'm feeling good without it. can i take pictures in here? brought a combination lock. remembered combination. day 0 i brought a heavy duty keyed daddy that was too big for the latch. call troy. he suggests i get a free trainer-tour to show me all the equipment. day 2 04.01.00 saturday figured out leg machines. of note: prone position leg curls. no one here at 2pm. day 3 04.02.00 sunday Troy and I meet at gym and there's a lot to catch up on, while we do the walking machine thing and cruize on it. cruising to cruize. locker room thought for the day: why don't more people walk around nude down here? I guess I always cover, but i'm always intentionally sloppy about it, and i'd be just as happy not to. i guess it's all about showing it at the right moment. troy and i simul-cruize a guy who looks like another close friend of mine. "a bite sized version" as troy puts it. i'm too overcome by lust to put any words out. lots of looking throughout the workout, by all three of us. i learned a free weight exercize today: decline bench press. very hard. thought occurs during triceps pulldown thing exercise. i get a lot of satisfaction out of most of the exercises, simply through the activity. there's an adreniline rush here that already has me hooked. but it dimly reminds me of being at the chelsea galleries, and having the art and art spaces be a playground of sensation, both aesthetic and haptic. will this become another entry in the taxonomy of physical adventures that i've unwittingly begun to compile? will there be this chain of desire to stretch, exert, wash, and massage my body, one that pushes me to find newer and more thrilling sensations? first the tattoo. then public sex. now gym. each one has built upon the other, both enabled and catapulted me (through sheer ennui if nothing else) into the next. this will worry me. what worries me more is that i will forget it's happenning and be led by it. the minx likes to do his own thinking. troy points out that the guy we were eyeing is in the corner shower, with the curtain slightly pulled at the corner. he keeps looking at us out the other side, every 10 seconds, at us in the steam room. troy says that the guy wants one of us to get into the other corner shower, draw the curtain slightly, so that we can jack off to the sight of each other, and be unseen. it's a lovely, complicated invitation, with only body language. troy urges me to go. i'm uncertain that the guy was really into me and not troy (modesty minx) and also feel a little weird about troy being around, so i dont go. also, i already watched him drop his drawers, frontside, before troy came down, so i got a little taste already. next time we're here, i'll be the first in the corner shower. when we all dry off, i see his dick again, and smile. day 4 04.04.00 monday never go to the gym on monday after work. very crowded. steam room thought: i have my mother's feet. day 5 04.06.00 wednesday accidentally bump into troy in the workout room. he's talking to a guy i've fantasized about a little, who of course goes here. we've met before, so we all chat a little. i leave them after a while. troy arrived before me, and finishes before me. no overlapping steam room time. this is foreshadowing. more cute guys. lots of types, flavors. guys my size, big guys into guys my size, big guys into big guys, etc. steam room time. big guy who looks like another of my friends, a early-40s guy who's taller than my friend and very muscular. there's something about a guy over 40, with graying hair and tom-of-finland body hair, who looks like a marine, that turns off my brain completely and makes me wanna get close to him. he comes in, and sits in the corner near me. steam comes on, and no one can see that we're eyeing each other immediately,s intermittently, regularly. my towel is almost all off (as usual, i hate wearing the towel in the steam room) and i casually play with my dick beneath it. he does the same. third guy comes in, a size between me and the other guy, and sits in the corner between us. we're all about 3" away from each other, and full eye contact is made, three ways. we all play with our dicks, but not much more, cuz people keep coming in and out. big one gets out and turns the steam up, then returns. we all play with ourselves some more, and between the temperature and the intensity of being aroused but not touching, it gets very hot in my head. i can hear my heart beating very heavily. big guy finally gets in the shower, whilst medium and i play some more. then i get out, and observe big guy showering with his curtain slightly open so he can watch us through the glass. he's very jacking off in there. (note to him: use the corner stall next time). i take the stall next to him and do the same whilst watching medium. this is better than anything derrida ever came up with. big guy and i have lockers near each other, but he's talking to some guy next to him, whilst the two of us dress, and watch each other do so, with a lingering feeling that's very post-coital between us. his attention divided, i leave. post-post-script. feeling very perky. i'm already looking a little more perky in the chest and arms, and it's got me feeling a little studly. also, the steam room event was a new level of public play for me. this excites me. walking down 9th ave, strutting my stuff (to myself, there's almost no one out at 11pm tonight, cold), almost at 55th street, going home, i pass a guy with a dog, who looks like big guy, but more like my friend than big guy (not as tall), and we both make heavy eye contact. do the pass him, turn around for another glance (he does), turn around for the third before stopping (he does). he's stopped in front of his building, key in hand. i'm already inside, dear. i stroll over, and say the magic opening phrase "what's up.". he asks me where i'm going, and i tell him magic follow up phrase "i'm just coming from the gym, going home". i've always wanted to say these things, even if it's mostly scripted. especially cuz its scripted; he seems to be into it. he perks up with the what-gym and where questions, and i ask the name of his dog. it's a boxer, named butchy. he says his dog looks like a 'butchy'. i follow up with "i'll say", which can only mean "he's not the only one", and get invited inside. we barely chat. he's bobby from boston, with a thick accent from there. he's got wonderfully graying hair, although he's only mid-late thirties. very muscular, about 4" taller than me. totally into the tatto. very into my ass. he persuades me to let him fuck me, and i do, despite the fact that he's got the biggest dick i've ever considered putting up there, and i usually reserve that pleasure for those i'm emotionally attached to (this a recent development, since 1999, dear readers). but i looked at him thinking about big guy, thinking i wanted him to fuck me. he gives me the best ass-eating i've ever had. he's a fuckin pig down there, and only does what i tell him, and is getting off on all of it. me too. he slowly fucks me, stretching me out bit by bit. after a while, he's in full hilt. it feels amazing. this is coming from someone who generally endures, not enjoys, the bottom's experience. i come whilst he's inside. he doesnt come, and doesnt want to. he's just happy i did, whilst inside. i'm feeling so fucking post coital now, i don't really know what day it is, or even my mother's name. we chat some more. he's not making much conversation, which at first makes me think he's kind of dumb, but in a way that is offset by his charmingly lack of charm. he's not dumb, he's just naturally laconic and trying to get me out the door. he's rather poor, like me, judging from his apartment and clothes and gym, and combined with his lack of pretense, there's a sort of beatific carnal atmosphere hovering here. i get dressed. he says my favorite line, "thanks for coming". i return with my favorite pun, "that's for having me". he doesnt get it, so i add "so to speak" and he laughs. kiss, goodnight. no phone numbers exchanged. he lives in a building i pass every day. i have no desire to ever telephone him. i am totally satisfied. it is anonymous sex at its finest. day 6 04.08.00 saturday two week anniversary. i searched all of manhattan looking for a pair of workout shoes i could live with. i found nothing, and as i was heading toward the subway, i had a vision: the sports authority. i bought a pair of adidas cross trainers that are subtle, but still fierce. i wanted the nike crosstrainer2, but the women's version is the nicer one, and it didnt feel right. what can i say? i have a 'didas foot. bought matching workout shorts, same brand. not many cuties at the gym. not many people at all. it's much better when there are people who are doing intense workouts...it kind of raises the ante a little. most of the people today were not happy to be working out at all. i'm guessing there are going to be days like this that will suck energy out of my workout. i pushed myself really hard today: i realized i can lift 10-20% more than i could when i started. i'm very indifferent to the amount i lift (good god, this isnt a lifting contest), but the improvement is very encouraging. also, i weighed myself, nude, and i'm 3 pounds heavier than i was two weeks ago. and no, my belly isnt getting bigger. there was a cutie in the steam room, who never opened his eyes. gym time was supposed to be my only leisure activity this weekend: i'm studying for a liscensing exam next wednesday. but it was so beautiful out, i spent two hours afterward shopping, eating, cruizing, etc. i rented 'trick' last night and i wanted to see if j.p.pitoc was still hangin' around sheridan square. maybe tomorrow. day 10 04.16.00 sunday three week anniversary. my first gap in entries. had a busy week, socially, and couldnt get to the gym. monday and friday were boring, although i had good workouts. saturday had a lot of interest in me in the steam room, but it wasnt mutual. but i like working out long and hard. also, i havent really been in the mood for cruizing: lots on my mind this week. monday i did see a guy i liked, but his workout lasted hours, and i couldnt hang out and wait for him. but he was back today. honestly, this is my number one up there (taking after troy's habit of having a top ten). he's very muscular, massively, 6'+, older, yet somehow lithe (an impossible combination that's embodied in him), and extremely sexy. tattooed, has wicked angular sideburns, and looks rather english. mild facial resemblance to patrick stewart. anyway, he's the only big guy up there that i could get off simply by watching him lift. he's really strong, and for some reason, it makes me immediately hard. monday i made eye contact, but he was in space. today, eye contact, and he kept looking at me, casually, wherever i went. one of those "well meet eventually, friend" experiences. and i watched him: it's a pleasure to see him, and he likes being seen, a lot. there is something gentle about this exchange, and that makes it much more enjoyable. he arrived a while after i did, and i knew this meant he'd be there all afternoon. not me, i had places to go. it's the first sunny day in a week. it snowed last saturday. i really enjoy many of the exercises, and i've been getting stronger myself. i've also been doing some workout research on the web, watching what i eat (i'm adding more protien to my diet), and taking care to make sure that i do the exercises correctly and efficiently. i'm improving enough to take this experience from one that's about quick fun to one with long-term goals. which is nice...i'm all about things that grow up, in the long term, like kids. sundays: lots of dykes. they all lift more than me, especially the ones my mother's age. and they all know each other. while i'm exiting the workout floor, i run into the owner of a contracting company that is building one of my jobs. he's doing a chest press. he doesnt recognize me at first, but when i talk about the job, he gets it. very nervous straight guy. it'll be interesting to have work acquaintances around here...i'm not sure if this will affect my cruizing. steam room is broken. quick shower, then i go to the piers. there's a new promenade between 12th and christopher that just opened this spring. it's nice to see that the regular pier crowd has already appropriated it. i sun myself, shirtless, for a while. get cruized by a few guys. i borrow someone's magazine because it's got a building i'm interested in, and one of the guys near me who's been eyeing me, an older, attractive fellow, jumps in. he's an architect too, and the list of names goes out. he grew up with my boss' wife. woah. anyway, after a long, pleasant conversation about architecture, it starts to rain, and i sort of follow him to his loft, in the village. it's really beautiful, and we watch a film before playing around a bit. i get his number when we're done, and head home. i wasnt really into it, cuz i'm preoccupied, emotionally, with someone i met on day 0 that i havent mentioned here.